


Let's start over (I'm the same person you fell in love with)

by ThoughtsofADreamer



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, F/M, Other, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-28
Updated: 2015-06-28
Packaged: 2018-04-06 14:10:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4224696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThoughtsofADreamer/pseuds/ThoughtsofADreamer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lexa and Clarke met on their senior year of college, they fell in love, got married and had a kid named Bella, Lexa was happy for the most part because she loved Clarke, but then Lexa couldn't be Lexa anymore because she never really was the girl that Clarke fell for so she did the only thing she could think of. She ran. 2 Years later Lexa is Alex and he hopes he can get his family back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let's start over (I'm the same person you fell in love with)

Lexa Woods leaves in the middle of the night. It’s around 1:30 AM when she sneaks out of the bed she shares with her wife of six years, she gets dressed quickly and she makes sure to be extra quite even though Clarke is a heavy sleeper.

She doesn’t have anything packed, she doesn’t need any of the clothes she has in her closet and all of her important stuff are already in her car. She leaves the bedroom with one last look towards the bed and a whispered apology.

She stops in front of her daughter’s room, takes a deep breath an open the door. The little girl is sleeping, curled up in a ball in the middle of the bed but her blanket is on the floor. Lexa picks up the blanket and covers the little girl again, she kisses her forehead which makes little Bella squirm a little but otherwise stays asleep.

She leaves a small simple note on the kitchen counter next to the divorce papers,

‘I’m sorry, Don’t look for me’

She’s pretty sure Clarke is going to ignore it and look for her anyway, but she leaves the note. She manages to make it to the car without breaking down crying or listening to the little voice in her head that keep telling her to get back in there and be with her family and just accept this life and be happy with it.

 

* * *

 

Anya calls a few hours later, it’s 7 o’clock in the morning and she’s driving through Ohio. She accepts the calls but she doesn’t say anything to her older sister and she doesn’t need to, Anya starts talking almost immediately.

“Clarke just called crying hysterically about divorce papers, What the fuck did you do Lexa?”

Lexa almost laughs at how grumpy her sister sounds because she’s up early but she stays quite.

“Well, you answered the phone so I know you’re not dead, unless this is your killer if so, could you answer me please and tell me you killed her? because if you’re just thief and didn’t kill her then please point me to the place where you’ve last seen her so I could do the job”

Her phone rings before she could answer Anya and the caller ID shows her wife’s name, she hits the ‘ignore’ button and stays on the phone with her sister.

“I’m not dead nor did anyone steal my phone I’m alive and well”

“Well, good, now you mind telling what the fuck are you doing?”

She sighs “You know Anya, you’ve always known. Don’t act dumb now, it doesn’t suit you”

“I’m not acting dumb, I’m asking why the fuck would you leave you wife and kid when you know they’re going to support you with this, Clarke loves you, you dumbass”

“Clarke loves a part of me that I don’t like”

“You’re being stupid, she loves you, she wouldn’t care you know she wouldn’t”

“He family would”

“Fuck her family. Her, Bella and, Us is all you need Lexa don’t be stupid”

“It’s already done Anya, take care of them okay? tell them I’m sorry but I have to do this”

Anya doesn’t get a word in before Lexa hangs up the phone and shuts it off before Clarke could call again because she knows she would be too weak and she would pick it up.

 

* * *

 

She makes it to Indianapolis at 12:45 PM. She rents out a motel room for the night so she could rest up for the drive tomorrow.

She noticed a dinar across the street from the motel and she figured it was a good spot to have some lunch.

The dinar is small and not crowded, there are six people there, a family of four and two cops having lunch. One of the cops seems to be trying to flirt with the waitress who keeps rolling her eyes at him but she manages to keep a smile on her face. She looks a Lexa as soon as she walk in.

“Be right with you, take a seat wherever you like”

Lexa nods her head and take a seat on a corner table that has a menu on it. She already knows what she’ll order but she still looks through the menu, she figures its better than turning her phone on and facing all the calls she knows her family made.

“So what will you be having today?”

“Burger, side of fries with a chocolate milkshake please”

The waitress nods her head and walks away, leaving Lexa again alone with her thoughts. She thinks back to two months ago, sitting on her bedroom floor with noose in her hand contemplating just ending everything but all she could think about was her baby girl walking into the bedroom and watching her mother hanging from the celling, Until Anya walked in the room and slapped some sense into her little sister. Having forgotten a ring when she visited the couple the night before she called Clarke and her sister-in-law told her that it was in hers and Lexa’s room, she didn’t expect to walk in on her sister trying to end her life.

The truth was, Lexa never wanted to die, to just give up without a fair fight. She wanted to just be who she was and she didn’t think Clarke would accept that.

She met Clarke in her senior year of college, she was getting ready to apply to law school and Clarke was getting acceptance letters from Med-schools from all around the country but she had her heart set out on Columbia. They met in the library of Georgetown University where they were both studying for the past four years but never met, they talked for hours and it grew from there.

There was one problem, Clarke liked girls and Lexa wasn’t sure she even was one.

Transgender was a term that Lexa never thought of exploring until one night in junior year and google search and then everything fit into place, it felt like a missing piece of her soul has finally found its place.

But then she met Clarke, and Clarke liked girls and she fell in love with Clarke. Clarke with her hypnotizing blue eyes, her blond hair that all Lexa wanted to do was run her fingers through it, Clarke with her beautiful smile that Lexa wanted to do everything in her power to keep seeing.

So she was girl for Clarke, and on the days that Clarke wasn’t around, she could pretend for a few hours in their apartment, she would wrap the ace bandages around breast that she had grown to dislike overtime because they felt wrong, put the packer in the only pair of men’s underwear the she had hidden in the locked safe in the back of the closet with the packer away from Clarke’s reach, because she was afraid of Clarke finding out and leaving.

It got harder and harder to hide after the marriage and the kid, she rarely had time alone to be herself, with Clarke having to be at the hospital for long hours and her staying alone with Bella, she didn’t want to risk Bella seeing her and telling Clarke.

Hiding proved to be tiring, and it lead to breakdown one night in her sister’s apartment where she told Anya everything. It helped, letting Anya in, because every once in a while, while Clarke was working, Anya would pick up Bella, claiming she missed her niece and she wanted to spend the day with her but Lexa knew why she did it and she was grateful.

Over the last few months she had a plan of easing Clarke into it, of maybe having Clarke love and accept her either ways but it all came crashing down two months ago and few days before the failed suicide attempt. They were having dinner with Clarke’s family, When Clarke’s stepfather, Jaha brought up a distant family member who recently came out as Transgender and how he disagreed with the ‘lifestyle’ he threw around insults here and there and a few jokes. Nobody on the table disagreed with him, Abby shock her head with a smile as if this was something normal and Wells just laughed with his father because he always wanted to please his him. Clarke needed to put Bella to bed so she wasn’t on the table when said discussion happened and Anya had changed the subject before Clarke had returned. It was never talked about again, but Lexa knew she wouldn’t be able to come out to Clarke now.

“Here you go, Burger, side of fries and a chocolate milkshake” the waitress said as she set the plates on the table.

“Thank you”

Lexa ate her food, paid and left a tip of the table before leaving to head back to her motel room to sleep.

 

* * *

 

She wakes up a 3 AM to the sound of her phone ringing. (She opened it before going to bed a found 30 missed calls all from Clarke, 5 voices mails the she didn’t have the heart to listen to and more than 50 texts from various friends threatening to kill her for what she’s doing to Clarke and some were from Clarke herself begging her to answer the phone or text back, the last text from Clarke was an ‘I love you’ text that made her cry herself to sleep)

She answers the phone without looking and she realizes her mistake when she hears a sob on the other end of the line. She doesn’t have the power to hang up the phone.

“Why?” The voice on the other end of the line questions and Lexa wishes she could answer

“I’m sorry”

“Do you not love me anymore”

“I love you more than anything”

“Then, Why Lexa?”

“I can’t hide anymore Clarke”

“Hide what?”

“I think you know, I think you’ve always known Clarke”

“Is there someone else?” She’s crying and Lexa wishes she could make it stop

“Never”

“Please Lexa”

“I’m sorry”

“I love you”

“You love a version of me that doesn’t exist”

“I love you”

“Me too Clarke, Me too”

“Come back”

“I can’t”

“Bella misses you, she won’t stop crying”

“I miss her too”

“Come back”

“When I’m me, When I can look at myself in the mirror and not plan my own death”

“I’m not signing the papers”

“Goodnight Clarke”

 

* * *

 

**2 years later**

Alex Woods woke up to his alarm clock ringing at 9:00 AM just like it did every morning for the last year and a half. He washed his face, put on a tank top with some jogging pants and went on his early morning run.

Halfway through his run it started raining and he began questioning why he moved to Oregon as he jogged back to his small one bedroom apartment.

Just as he got into his apartment, his phone started ringing and the caller ID showed the name of his business partner

“What’s up Lincoln?”

“There is a really scary women here right now asking for you, I don’t know what you did to her but I advice you to run as fast as you can”

Alex laughed “Well, I can’t think of any women that I made angry in the last few months. What’s her name?”

Lincoln whispered, “She won’t say anything just demanded you come here now, man she keeps glaring at me I’m scared”

Alex kept laughing at him “Okay, let me just take a shower and I’ll be there in 20 minutes.”

Lincoln just hung up the phone without an answer.

* * *

He saw her as soon as he walked into his shop and he wished he had taken Lincoln’s advice and ran as fast as he could away from here.

“Octavia” Her name fell from his mouth before her could stop himself and she turned around to glare at him. “How did you find me?”

She raised an eyebrow at him “Really? That's all you care about right now?”

Lincoln stood up from where he was sitting “Well, I’m just going to leave you two to it boss”

“I’m not your boss Lincoln”

“Yeah, Well, she’s scary and I’m not sitting here with her for another minute” Lincoln responded as he left the shop making Octavia smirk a little.

Alex shook his head at his friend and then faced Octavia again “What are doing here?”

“Clarke found you not me, she wanted me to make sure it was you not another fucking dead end”

“Well, I don’t know why she’s bothering with that, last I heard she was with that Finn boy, Joke’s on me for thinking she was only into girls I guess”

He didn’t see the slap coming be he sure felt it “How dare you? Clarke has been nothing but loyal since you fucking left her like a coward at night”

“What do you want Octavia?” He whispered out, looking down at the ground.

“I want you to know how much pain she went through when you fucking ran away, do you know how long me and Raven stayed at your house because someone had to take care of Bella when her own mother couldn’t bother moving from her bed? Do you want to know how depressed she was? How she almost lost her job? You fucking destroyed her”

“I’m sorry” he whispered again, still looking at the ground, too ashamed to look at the person he once though of as a best friend

“You promised her you would come back”

“I did, she moved on”

“No you fucking didn’t, otherwise she wouldn’t be still looking for you”

“I did! Ask your fucking brother, he’s the one who sent me away!” He shouted looking at Octavia, a few tears escaping his eyes, he wiped them away quickly

“What?” Octavia questioned him, a confused look taking over her face.

“I came back a few months ago, after everything was fine again, after all the surgeries, before I opened this shop because I promised her I will be back. I knocked on the door and your brother was there with Finn, When I asked about her, he told me to go away, that she moved on with Finn, that she loves Finn and that she signed and filled the divorce papers” He laughs “And Finn, Finn could stop bragging about how my daughter…. My daughter was now calling him ‘Daddy’. So, Yes, I left and I didn’t bother coming back”

“He’s lying, nothing ever happened between the two, Clarke never stopped looking for you after Anya told us everything” Octavia shook her head “Why would Bell do that? He knows how hard this was on Clarke”

Alex shrugged “Ask you brother”

They sit quietly for a few second until Octavia jumps up “Okay, I can kick Bell’s ass later for now you’re packing and coming back home with me.”

Alex shook his head “No way, I’m not ready”

Octavia raised an eyebrow at him “You were a few months ago”

“I—- it’s different now”

“How?”

He doesn’t respond.

“Look we can do this the hard way or the easy way”

“What’s the hard way?” he asks

“Raven is outside in the car”

He stands up immediately “You know what, I have a small bag with my clothes in my office for when I sleep here sometimes, I’ll just go get it”

Octavia smirked “Yeah, you go do that”

He nods and starts walking. Raven always scared him, the girl was terrifying especially with anything that was related to Clarke, he was going to follow Octavia peacefully and without making a fuss and risking Raven beating his ass, even though in his new body he could easily take whatever she would dish out.

The girl scared the shit out of him.

 

* * *

“Hey” Alex waves his hands awkwardly as he stands in front of Raven who is standing in front of her car and glaring at him.

“Get in the fucking car Woods.” She says as she opens the car door, the passenger door.

“You know what, I’ll just sit in the back”

Octavia smirks than yawns “I’m actually feeling tired so I’m going to lay down in the back seat until we reach our first stop, so how about you sit in the front?”

Alex knows she’s not asking but demanding so he just sighs and prays that he could make it through this two day road trip. “Why couldn’t we just fly back to DC?”

“Because I’m not leaving my car in a fucking airport Woods, That’s why” Raven answers him still glaring and he just nods and gets into the car not bothering pointing out that they could’ve just flown here anyway and she could have left her car parked at home because he’s sure that will somehow get him punched in the face.

As soon as everyone is buckled in, Raven starts to drive.

For the next few hours the car is filled with silence, the only sound comes from the radio. Raven continues to send him a glare every once in while and he just keep looking out the window.

Their first stop comes 7 hours later, at around 5 o’clock in Boise. They stop for gas and for something to eat, and everyone in the car switches seats. Alex ends up in the back, with Octavia driving and Raven in the passenger seat.

Alex falls asleep almost immediately and he doesn’t wake up again for another few hours when he hears Octavia talking.

“Yeah, we just entered Wyoming, Raven and I agreed to stop here for a few hours and we’ll start driving again tomorrow morning at like 8 or 9”

“What time is it now?” He hears the voice over the speaker and his heart almost stops because Clarke sound so tired over the phone.

“Around 10 at night, Which means it’s around 1 AM your time, why are you still up Clarke? You should sleep, you have an early morning tomorrow” Octavia says.

“I know” He hears her sigh “I just can’t believe we’ve finally found him. Bella could barely sleep tonight” Clarke continues “I don’t want her to get her hopes up”

“About what?” Octavia asks.

“What if he doesn’t stay?”

“Then I’ll kick his ass” Raven, who he thought was sleeping joins the conversation.

He smiles a little when he hears Clarke laughing. He decides that he’s heard enough of this private conversation and goes back to sleep. Thinking they’ll probably wake him up when they reach whatever motel they picked for the night.

 

* * *

 

When he wakes up again, Its light out but the car is still moving and Raven is in the driver’s seat.

“What time is it?” He asks, sitting up.

Raven smirks. “it’s 3 PM the next day, Didn’t know you were that lazy Woods, slept the whole day away”

“It’s the pain meds for something that happened a month ago, they knock me out good. Didn’t we stop at a motel a long the way or something?” He questions her, because he knows he heard something about a motel last night.

“We did” she answers, still smirking and Octavia seems to be trying to stop herself from bursting out laughing.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” He asks, confused.

She shrugs “Didn’t feel like it, and you looked comfortable in the back seat.”

He shakes his head, Un-fucking-believable. He wants to argue with her but he just stays quite, he’s still tired, and he’s hungry.

“Where are we?” He looks at Octavia who is at least smiling at him.

“South Dakota, We’re stoping for gas in 15 minutes so you could get something to eat and then you’re taking over the driving because me and Raven are tired”

He nods and they don’t talk again until they reach the gas station.

He gets out of the car to stretch a little and then heads to the bathroom. After finishing up at the bathroom he picks up a sandwich and a drink from the little store and heads back to the car.

Octavia is already dazing off and Raven is laying down and playing with her phone in the back seat. He takes a deep breath and starts driving.

* * *

It’s 10 o’clock at night and he’s just entering Iowa, when Octavia’s phone which is plugged into the car starts ringing, He figures Octavia will pick it up but the girl doesn’t move an inch and Raven has always been a deep sleeper, So he lets it ring until it stops. He takes a deep breath when it stops because he knows who's on the other side and he doesn’t think he has it in him to answer it.

His happiness is short lived, because the phone rings again and this time Raven moans a little and moves and it makes him remember how grumpy she is when she wakes up so he hits the answer button and when he realizes what he did he almost hits the brakes of the car a little too hard but he doesn’t, because he doesn’t want to give Raven another reason to kill him.

“Hello?” Clarke’s voice comes through the speakers and he lets out a breath he doesn’t know he was holding.

He doesn’t say anything back, he just keeps driving hoping she would hang up or one of the girls would wake up and answer her, but none of those things happen.

She’s quite for a few seconds and then she whispers out “Alex?”

“Yeah” he answers back quietly. “The girls are sleeping, I’ll tell them you called when they wake up, I’m sorry for answering but I didn’t want you to worry and I’ll just hang up okay? They’ll call you back in a few hours probably” He stutters out nervously.

“No! Wait!” She shouts through the phone and he doesn’t hang up. She takes a deep breath and talk again “Where are you?”

He’s confused at first but he just goes with it “Somewhere in Iowa”

“Iowa is boring” she answers back.

He smiles “Yeah it really is”

“You sound different”

He almost laughs “You’re a doctor Clarke, I think you know how testosterone works”

She laughs “Yeah I do, I just didn’t know what to say I guess”

“I don’t either” he sighs “Does Bella know?”

“About you coming back? Yeah, she’s excited” She answers.

“No,” He replied “does she know about everything else?”

“She does,” Clarke says“Anya and I, we showed her the pictures you sent to Anya and we talked to her about everything.”

“Good” he says back

“Yeah” she sighs “Drive safe”

“Always do, You’re the reckless one remember?”

She laughs “Goodnight”

She hangs up the phone before he could answer back but he can’t keep the smile from taking over his face.

“Park the car” He hears Raven saying from the back seat and he doesn’t question it, parking the car on the side of the road and getting out, as soon as he’s out of the car he’s met with a punch in the face.

“Ouch, What the fuck Raven?” He shouts holding on the his mouth, which is bleeding a little

“That’s for hurting my best friend, do it again and it will be more than that, are we clear?” She says and he nods his head “Good, there’s a first aid kit in the back seat clean yourself up and don’t get any blood on my car or I’ll kill you”

* * *

“Wake up you slept long enough, its time for you to drive!” He’s shaken out of the somewhat comfortable position in the back seat of the car by Octavia.

“What…?” He jumps up and looks around to find one of the doors open and Octavia is standing outside of it “Where is Raven?”

“Bathroom break” she points behind her somewhere and he notices that they are in a gas station. “Now get up and drive it’s 1 PM and we’re in Pittsburgh, if you drive fast enough we can make it back home at around 5 or 6”

He nods his head “Okay, I’ll just go use the bathroom and get a snack, I’ll be back in 5”

5 minutes later, he get back to the car and finds Octavia laying down in the back seat and Raven sitting in the passenger seat talking on the phone. He doesn’t notice that it’s his phone until he gets into the driver’s seat.

“Of course, Costia, in fact I don’t even need to tell him you called, here he is, he just got into the car” She glares at him as she hands him the phone and he rolls his eyes.

“What’s up?” He answers

“What’s up? Whats up? You fucking left the state without even calling to tell me that’s what’s up” Costia shouts and he rolls his eyes again, he just woke up and he isn’t really in the mood to deal with any drama right now.

“You’re not my keeper Costia, I can come and go as I please, I don’t need to call you and tell you where I’m going every time I leave my house”

“Fuck you”

“Already did and now you won’t leave me alone remember?” He feels really bad but he’s tired and nervous and Costia has been bothering him for the past month wanting to start a relationship that he wasn’t ready for, he liked the girl and he felt bad for using her after he got back from his failed trip back home, but now he might actually have a chance at something with his family and that’s all that he wants to focus on.

“Why are you doing this to me?” She asks and he can her the tears in her voice and he feel bad

“I’m not doing anything to you Costia, you knew what this was when you got into it and I never agreed to anything more” He says, more calmly.

“I really like you” she whispers

“I’m sorry”

She sighs “I hope you find whatever it is you went to find”

He smiles “Me too”

“Goodbye Alex” And the way she says is, He knows not contact her again.

“Take care Costia” He’s met with the dial tone.

Raven keeps glaring at him as he sits the phone down and continues the four hour drive, He thinks she’ll starts questioning him right away but she surprisingly lasts for an hour.

“Who was she?”

He laughs “Well, you lasted longer than I thought you would” he glances at her “And its none of your business Raven”

“Excuse you, of course it’s my fucking business, I’m basically letting you back into my friend’s life, and I’m trusting you not to hurt her so I need to know if cheating is going to be a problem, because if it is you can stop that car right now and leave” She’s shouts at him and he shakes his head.

“Don’t. I never did and never will cheat on Clarke”

“Yeah, You just leave in the middle of the night”

He sighs “Yes, I get it you don’t like me Raven and you’re mad but I’m not here for you I’m only here for Clarke and let me remind you that I’m asking for Clarke’s forgiveness not yours, you can continue to dislike me but lets just get through the next 3 hours peacefully okay? And if Clarke asks about Costia I’ll happily tell her and if she wants to share it with you than you’ll know too, but I’m done talking about this”

“I want to sleep so can you two both shut up?” Octavia says before Raven could answer and nobody talks after that.

* * *

When he stops the car right across from the street of the house that was his home two year ago, the nervousness he was feeling ever since her left Oregon finally catches up to him and he freezes in the car when he catches sight of his daughter playing in the front yard with two other kids. He doesn’t notice Raven and Octavia getting out of the car, he doesn’t notice anything else but his daughter running around the yard and laughing and he feel like shit for what he did to her, because he knows how much him leaving hurt her, he had heard the voicemails of her crying and begging him to come back for her Birthday, for Christmas or for the dance recital she had at preschool a few months after he left.

He sees her shouting excitedly when she sees Raven and Octavia walking towards the house, her smile falls a little when she doesn’t notice a third person walking with them and he feels like hiding when she looks towards the car but he doesn’t have a place to hide and he thinks he’s okay with that because her smile is back full force and she looks so much like her mother that he can’t help but smile back at her

She looked about ready to run towards the car when Octavia gets hold of her and whispers something in her ear that makes her stop and nod her head. He sees her looking towards the two kids she was playing with and waving goodbye before looking towards him in the car and smiling again, she waves and he wants to wave back but he’s frozen in place, though it doesn’t seem to bother her much because she turns around and walks inside the house with Raven and Octavia, Leaving him to gather himself in the car before getting out to face Clarke.

It takes him ten minutes to clam himself down and just as he’s about to open the car door, she walks out of the house and he feels nervous again, she’s as beautiful as the last time he saw her. She’s carrying two mugs with her, one red and one blue, she sets the red one down on the steps and sits down next to it, she brings the other mug to her lip to take a sip before looking at the car, waiting for him to join her.

He gets out of the car and starts walking towards her slowly, he keeps his head down and doesn’t look up until he finally reaches the front steps of the house. “Hi”

“Sit down” She orders and he complies, moving the mug between them and sitting down.

They both stay quite for a few minute, Alex not knowing what to say or how to apologize and Clarke not knowing how to start the conversation.

He can hear Bella laughing about something inside the house and he just wants to go in there and hug her, to apologize to her too

“She’s been jumping around all day, I’ve never seen her this excited about anything in a long time” Clarke’s voice cuts through his thoughts and he looks at her but she isn’t looking at him, she keeps looking straight ahead, She smiles a little and continues “She keeps telling her friends that her Dad is coming home and I keep getting weird questions from their parents about you because they don’t know”

Setting her coffee mug down she finally faces him, He tries to look away but she moves her hands to his face to make him look at her and when he finally does she tries to give him a small smile but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes like it used to. “You look different but the same” Her face is taken over by a look of confusion as she brushes her finger along his lip.

He smiles “Raven”

Clarke laughs and raises an eyebrow at him “She’s mad about something, told me to ask you to tell me what made her mad”

He sighs “Do I have a chance Clarke? Will you ever forgive me?”

“I love you” she says quietly “But I don’t know what to do now, you have to understand that the person that I loved hid something big from me” she sighs “sometimes it feels like I don’t know you, because if this who you really are, then who did I fell in love with?”

“You fell in love with me, it was all me, I’m still the same person I was on the inside Clarke, It’s the outside that needed to be changed” He tries to explain.

“I thought you were cheating on me a few months before you left” She changes the subject suddenly. “I found this pair of men’s underwear in the laundry one day and I honestly thought you were cheating on me” She laughs “A few weeks later and Bella let it slip that sometimes Anya picks her up so they can spend the day together and you would be home alone and I thought every thing fit, you were cheating.”

“I never —“ he tries to explain

“I know” she interrupts “I went to Anya after talking to Bella and she told me that there was something and you were going to tell me but it was not cheating. It was all I kept thinking about for the next few months, that you will tell me, you just weren’t ready but you weren’t cheating and I was fine with that until I woke up one day and you weren’t here anymore” She was pacing in front of Alex now, and he could see the tears falling down and he wanted to hold her, to apologize, to do anything to make her feel better.

He got up and tried to hug her but she pushed him back before he could wrap his arms around her “No! You don’t get to do that and expect everything to be better” she was crying and shaking her head “If I let you do that, then I’ll let myself forgive you too easily and I can’t do that, you left me! Do you know what that did to me? You promised! You promised me you would come back!”

He stepped back a little confused “Didn’t Octavia tell you —“

She interrupted “Octavia told me nothing and Raven won’t talk because she’s mad about something”

He sighed and sat back down “I came back a few months ago, —“

She interrupted again “No you didn’t, I’m pretty sure —“

“Would you stop interrupting me? You wanted me to explain myself and that’s not going to happen if you keep interrupting me”

She sighed and nodded her head for him to continue.

He started talking again “I came back here a few months back while you were in Delaware for a conference, I didn’t know that at the time but when I showed up here Bellamy opened the door and he was with Finn”

“What? He never mentioned you coming back, Why would he do that?”

He sighed “He didn’t recognize me at first but it clicked after a few second and then he started telling me to go away, that you moved on and that you don’t need me coming here and messing up your life, Both him and Finn said that you’ve signed the papers and filled them because you were with Finn now and you were happy, Bella was happy and I was just going to ruin it” He took a deep breath trying to hold his anger in, knowing he has been lied to all these months ago “Finn couldn’t stop bragging about how you were with a real man now who knew how to _please_ you, How Bella was calling him Dad and how he was planning to propose to you soon and I just, I couldn’t take it anymore so I left”

He heard her stop pacing halfway through the retelling of what had happened all those months ago. After he finished she walked right back and sat next to him. His shoulders were shaking from trying to keep the sobs in, he knew he had no right to be angry because if Clarke really had choose to move on and forget about him than that was her choice and he would walk away, but to think that it was all a lie it just hurt to no end. He couldn’t stop thinking of all the nightmares he had had after the incident, Bella telling him he was not her father, her holding on to someone else, of Clarke sending him away because he wasn’t a _real man_ compared to Finn. 

He felt a hand on his shoulder and he looked at Clarke who offered him a small smile in return.

“I’m sorry about Bell and Finn” She started “I never moved on with anyone after you, After what Anya told me I figured you would come back to me eventually, I didn’t need anyone else but you” She sighed “Bell and Finn know that so I don’t know why they did what they did” She sent another smile his way “As for Bella she never forgot about you, and she never will. As soon as me and Anya explained everything to her all she wanted to do was see her father again. No one is ever going to replace you Alex”

The stayed quite for a few minutes never of them knowing what to say, Clarke picked up her now cold coffee mug and broke the silence.

“Why is Raven mad?”

He shrugged “Because I did something stupid and she found out and now I feel guilty and I know that there is a big chance that you will never forgive me if I tell you this but if I don’t tell you I risk losing you in the future anyway so I don’t know what to do now”

“You tell her or so help me God, A bloody lip will be the least of your problems” Neither one of them heard the door open but they both turned around to face Raven “You guys have 15 more minutes and I can’t guarantee me and Octavia can keep Bella occupied longer than that” She send a last glare towards Alex before going back inside.

He sighed “After what happened with Finn and Bellamy I booked the first ticket back to Oregon and left DC, I made it back there around midnight and as soon as I left the airport I went to the closest bar I could find, got drunk and went home with the first girl I saw that didn’t remind me of you”

He could see a few tears roll down he cheeks and he wanted to reach out and wipe them away but he knew his touch wasn’t welcomed right now

“How did Raven know?” She eventually asked

“The girl called while we were on the way here” He explained

“Oh…Are you and her —“

“No!” He interrupted quickly “It was never supposed to be more than a one time thing but we became friends”

“And then it became more than a one night stand? You slept with her more than once?” She questioned.

“I… Yes, It happened more than once” He answered looking down at the ground, he could feel her eyes on him but he couldn’t face the heartbreak that he knew was there, he couldn’t face the disappointed look.

“Why?”

“It’s childish” He explained “I figured you moved on, why should I hold on to the hope that someday we’ll magically be back together? You moved on and I had this willing beautiful women in my bed everyday, why shouldn’t I take advantage? Since according to Finn you had someone _pleasing_ you whenever you needed it”

“When was the last time you two…?” she asked

“A week ago” he answered “It was the last time and I told her that, I felt guilty for using her to forget about you and she wouldn’t stop asking for a relationship that I couldn’t offer to her, that’s why she was calling and I think Raven figured it out, which is why she is mad”

Clarke nodded her head and another wave of silence passed through them until Clarke stood up “Here’s what’s going to happen. I love you Alex and i never stopped but I feel like I don’t know you anymore, so we’re going to start over”

He was confused “You mean like dating again? We’re already married Clarke” He wanted to laugh at the glared she sent him.

“Yes, We’re dating again because I honestly can’t say I want us to be just friend me and you both know that it’s not going to work” She explained and he nodded agreeing with her “But there some rules” He raised and eyebrow “No other girls or boys and you have to move back here if this is going to work but it can’t be in this house, because if you move in to this house we’re going to fall back into old habits and I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet”

He nodded his head and added “Okay, but I have a rule of my own”

She looked at him waiting for him to continue.

“I don’t want Finn or Bellamy anywhere near me or Bella when we’re together, I get it they’re your friends and I will never tell you who you can or can’t be friends with but what they did and the things they said that night, I can’t have people like that in my life because If I see them again or if they say the things that they said to me that night again I will lose it Clarke, So I don’t want to see them again, you’re welcome to see them whenever you want, but see them alone and don’t ask me to hang out with them or hear any apologies because I will know that they don’t mean it” He explained.

“What about Bella?” She asked

“What about her?”

“She sees them as her uncles Alex, I can’t just tell her not to see them again”

He sighed “She can see them with you Clarke, I just don’t want to ever be in the same room with them again, But I would hope they you won’t let them say anything hateful about me in her presence”

She nodded her head “Okay, Let go inside I’m sure that there is a very excited little girl waiting to see you”

He smiled and stood up “Okay”

**Author's Note:**

> Well, This is my first try at writing fan fiction but I couldn't help but fall into the Clexa fandom and now I can't seem to find my way out. I apologize for any mistake but English isn't my first language (but I've been learning for 12 years so I would hope that there aren't many mistakes in this). I haven't seen many Transgender Clexa fan fiction around so I wrote one, hope you like it, and tell me wether I should continue with this or not. (And if you don't like Transgender characters than wtf are you doing here, it clearly says Trans Character in the tags) Anyway, I look forward to the comments?


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